Shared Transformation Issue 6
Losing Friends
by El Collie
"Everyone thinks I'm crazy." * "My boyfriend ran for the hills." * "All of my old friends
deserted me."
Over and again, from my own experience and from all those I've spoken with, one of the more painful issues of
the transformational process is the negative reaction of others. Unfortunately, mainstream Western culture doesn't
understand, recognize or value spontaneous psychospiritual unfoldment. This serves to amplify the estrangement
often felt by those undergoing these potent experiences. When I became aware that I was undergoing a spontaneous
Kundalini awakening, I struggled over how to explain this to family and friends. I had been suffering severe physical
symptoms for four months and these people in my life were concerned for my health. How could I possibly explain
my condition to them? In the early stages, even though I was manifesting classic Kundalini symptoms, it was hard
enough for me to convince myself that this was really happening to me. (And I had a long familiarity with metaphysics,
Eastern religions, psychic phenomena and the like.) Most of my family had no such framework for accepting what
was happening to me. Understandably, their initial reactions were bewilderment and wariness. My friends did not
know what to make of it. A precious few were loyal and supportive. I was stunned when some of my friends reacted
with hostility and criticism. Several implored me to reconsider a pathological explanation for my condition, knowing
that I'd already been through months of extensive medical testing. Although my doctors (including five neurologists)
could find no abnormalities nor offer me a diagnosis, a few friends made their own diagnoses. These unsolicited
unprofessional opinions were given by people who lived out of state from me. They decided I was suffering from
psychiatric illness. I wasn't displaying signs of mental or emotional disturbance at the time. All I had done
was try, as best I could, to describe what I then knew of the Kundalini process to them. It's unfortunate, as
psychiatrist John Perry says, that "At the very time when one needs loving acceptance one finds oneself either
alone or surrounded by professionals who want to suppress the process and make one conform to the ways of the former
self and former world." (Spiritual Emergency) People are often alarmed by anything that challenges their
belief structure. I had friends who were so threatened that they refused to have anything more to do with me.
Sadly, this is not an unusual development for those of us who are undergoing transformation. The majority of
people who are having these intense experiences have told me that many (sometimes all) of their friends abandoned
them. Even more hurtful is the equally common experience of having close family members pull away. Parents, siblings,
spouses and teenage or adult children may "disown" the individual who is in the midst of a dramatic and
prolonged transformation. Such rejection by family and friends is not exclusive to those in psychospiritual crisis.
The same icy reception often greets individuals diagnosed with devastating illnesses, or those who are seriously
injured in accidents. This can seem heartless to the victim, whose need for love and patience from others is greater
than ever at this time. When family members (particularly one's own children) turn away, it is generally because
they feel overwhelmed with fear and helplessness. A woman I'll call Leah was bedridden for over a year from drastic
Kundalini manifestations. Her fourteen year old daughter at one point physically attacked her, jumping up and
down on her in the bed and accusing Leah of faking her symptoms. It's common for such children to feel that they
have lost the security they desperately need, and to blame the disabled parent for this. Even in cases where there
are no physically severe symptoms, children may become critical toward a parent whose inner world and behavior
is changing. This is most evident in an adolescent, whose own inner and outer world is in inevitable turmoil and
who can be intolerably demanding of even the most stable and hardy parent. In relationships which were previously
very warm and close, this rejection (often made worse by accusations of neglect and parental failure) is hurtful,
and can throw us into profound grief. But our children are, after all, still children. We can forgive them their
immature reactions. What is more difficult to accept is the callousness of erstwhile friends. People we have
long treated with respect, consideration and generosity suddenly seem to forget this loving history and become
outright mean to us. This is especially true for those of us whose processes are intense and protracted. Our
culture gears us to expect everything to be resolved quickly and painlessly. If we are not "better"
within a few weeks or months, we are often judged to be a hopeless case. Roberto Assagioli remarks that during
the "most eventful period" of spiritual emergence, "full of changes, of alternations between light
and darkness, between joy and suffering", "the energies and the attention of the individual are often
so engrossed in this task that his power of coping with the problems and activities of normal life may be impaired.
Observed from the outside and gauged in terms of ordinary efficiency he appears to have deteriorated and to be
less capable than before. He is not spared unfair judgment on the part of well-meaning but unenlightened friends..."
(Psychosynthesis)
"One friend was telling everyone I would never drive again, and I would never be well again."
* "My friend told me, 'We know you're just self-indulgent and lazy. Otherwise, you'd be able to hold a job."
*
"He said, "Being such a recluse would make anyone sick. You just need to get out of the house."
It seems nearly impossible for anyone who has not personally suffered through a severe transformation process
to understand how debilitating it can be. I say nearly, for I do know of caring partners (my own included) who
have stood by the one in crisis and have witnessed the ravages of the process. A violent and full Kundalini awakening
can last up to fifteen years, and sometimes longer. During this time, the individual may be suffering through
a continuous and relentless siege of physical and psychological symptoms. Even with a "good" attitude
toward the process, it can involve months or even years of living as an invalid. There can be long episodes of
mental disorientation, emotional overload, and/or physical limitation. In such states, even ordinary feats like
getting dressed or preparing food can be too much to manage. I currently know four people in protracted Kundalini
awakenings who spent a year or more unable to leave their beds.
"For a whole year, I did nothing but lie in bed having convulsions."
*
"I don't know how I survived. Friends came by to help. I couldn't do anything for the first two years."
The chakra openings that occur during transformational processes can produce such psychic hypersensitivity that
the individual becomes overwhelmed in crowds or even in ordinary social situations. Those of us with freshly developing
psychic receptivity need to protect ourselves by living in seclusion as much as possible. This isn't self-indulgence
or avoiding the "real" world. It's a survival necessity. It takes time to become accustomed to, and
gain some mastery of, these newly acquired psychic gifts. To those who are not psychically wide open, our inability
to socialize may be interpreted as irrational withdrawal. Friends may feel hurt or angry when we repeatedly turn
down invitations to social events. Also, as John Nelson mentions, "Attention turns away from ordinary concerns
during [altered states of consciousness]. People may find it difficult to concentrate on matters that seem important
to others." (Healing the Split) More painfully, those loved ones who do stand by us may recoil during our
bouts of "emotional kriyas." Christina Grof coined this term to describe the seemingly inappropriate
and overblown emotional reactions that occur in certain stages of awakening. During these periods, we may feel
emotionally out of control. Our moods may shift so rapidly, and our feelings may be so volatile or excessive that
others are alienated from us. Those of us who are living on such an emotional roller coaster may be shocked at
our own behavior. Afterwards, we may be plagued with guilt, remorse, or embarrassment. Even the most positive
side of our experience may disturb others. Our mystical and psychic insights may seem too weird or incomprehensible
to those we confide in. Our most beautiful experiences may be dismissed as delirium or hallucinations. Episodes
of rapture or revelation may seem "manic" to those who are not experiencing such things. With all of
this, it seems small wonder that many of the people in our lives disappear. But I suspect there is a deeper force
at work in this common pattern. Transformation is a cleansing process on all levels of our being. This is a period
of purification in which everything impeding our growth and fulfillment is eliminated. Inwardly and outwardly,
we are in a process of letting go. Losing our old social network can be an essential part of this process. We
may be forced to turn inward to find a new source of support and self-validation. Many of us are developing greater
levels of personal autonomy. Rather than depending on external approval and acceptance, we are being led to trust
the spirit within. Some of our old acquaintances may fail to meet us at our new level of development, and they
will fall away. Others may begin to stretch and grow along with us. In the long run, it balances out. I often
remind myself of the adage: For every door that closes, a new one opens. In my own experience, this has proven
true. For every loss, something precious has been gained. For every friend who has vanished, I've found a wonderful
new friend. It doesn't always happen immediately, but when the time is right, new people appear. It still hurts
to lose people who have been dear to us. But realizing that this may be ultimately for the best can help us release
others more graciously, and to forgive those who turn against us.
— El Collie
© El Collie 1995