Following the River
One of the earliest lessons that came to me in my Kundalini awakening was to honor my own process.
I quickly learned that my old habits and preconceptions wouldn't carry me through this. In many ways, transformation
was returning me to a state of infancy. I had to learn about myself and my world anew. Small wonder this is called
No longer can I afford to ignore internal messages as I did for most of my life. When I am hungry, I must eat.
When I'm tired, I need to rest. These things seem obvious enough but for me, living as I did in my head rather
than my body, they are revelations. Before, I did these things robotically, on schedule. Or worse, I'd be so caught
up in my obsessions that I'd tune out my body altogether. I mindlessly shoveled in food for fuel and would go to
bed only on the brink of exhaustion. But no more. Now, with such roaring energy in my body, my inner balance is
much more fragile. If I don't pay attention to basic needs, I instantly "pay" with sickness, physical
collapse, and emotional explosions.
I've stopped taking anything for granted. I have an acute awareness of the transience of everything in this world.
Looking back over my life, I see that everything I thought would never happen to me -- good as well as bad -- has
happened and is happening. As I am opened to expanding levels of psychic sensitivity, my way of relating to everyone
and everything around me keeps changing. The unpredictable nature of the Kundalini process prevents me from making
any definite plans or holding onto absolutes. All I can hold to is my intentions, and I hold them lightly, very
My sense of myself as "doer" is vanishing. I.e., I proceed as if I know what I'm doing, all the while
fully aware that I have no idea what is really happening. I am a vehicle for powers beyond my human comprehension;
life "does" itself through me. I feel like a leaf in the cosmic wind, sailing to I know not where. No
longer do I make decisions based on my opinions of what I need or what I should do. Instead, I'm learning to listen
to what the shamanic traditions call "power," and what Irina Tweedie's Sufi guru* called "the Hint,"
and what is referred to in many religions as the "Will of God." I let myself be guided by signs and confirmations
from the universe. These come at every level, internal and external. I've given up trying to direct the course
of my life; now I let the water carry me. When I'm inadvertently fighting the current, I meet with constant obstruction
and find myself struggling. When I stop trying to push the river, whatever is meant to be comes easily, effortlessly.
This doesn't mean it's always to my liking, or guaranteed pleasant or painless. Even so, the less I insist on my
own way and the more I accept what is given, the lighter my life becomes.
-- El Collie
*Irina Tweedie, Daughter of Fire